The Downward Spiral

I was having a good year so far before an unforeseen tragedy completely slammed me off of the cloud I was floating on. I had just did the best show ever with Daycare Swindlers and I was super excited to work on my first studio project. But, in the spring of 2010, I received some devastating news from some family members in Michigan. I was informed about the death of one of my uncles to leukemia. It turns out that he had been sick for quite some time and I just did not believe it. I had just seen this uncle at a family reunion some time before and I didn't sense that something was up. It all just kind of disrupted my thought process. I just lost it. I stopped writing, I started ignoring my own goals, I just kind of drifted away from the things that made me happy. To top it all off, a gig that I was really looking forward to doing with The Pietasters had crumbled, which totally brought me down. So, I started doing Open Mic Nights at Molly's with my homeboy Mark from DCS and his then girlfriend Harley, which was pretty good. Except, I would get super hammered before going on stage. One night at Open Mic, I ripped into an audience member who was always badgering me to rap at every bar in town. I literally told him, "If you ask me again, I'm gonna castrate you and then make you eat them". I was serious. The final break came in May of 2010. Following a show in Purcellville, I got very drunk and threw a rapper off of the stage by the throat. I regret doing this. I remember being very disappointed in myself. I immediately went into counseling for depression two weeks after the show. I stopped rapping to focus on getting myself back together. I couldn't keep on living the way that I was. I had to change it.

In counseling, I discovered that my downward spiral was caused by me keeping my grief inside. Whenever I experienced a loss, I kept my emotions and sadness inside. Even when I lost a friend to a heroin overdose on my 24th birthday, I kept it all inside. When my uncle passed, I remember trying to keep it inside. That was until I checked my Facebook and saw a comment that Mark left on my page. I went out to the bar to get away from the house and I remember when he walked up to me, I couldn't say anything. I just totally broke down crying like a baby. I was told that I have been trying to hold everything in for far too long and that it was starting to affect me. After that, I started to let a lot of that pain and grief go and pull myself out of the hole I fell into. However, a house party I attended in October of 2010, put me back into the hole. I was drinking and somewhat stoned when I did 3 lines of percocet. In the middle of doing the third line, I came to my senses and asked myself, "What did I do?" "What have I done?" I ran out of the party, scared and upset for what I had done. I grabbed my cell and called up Mark and told him what I have done at the party. I went over to his house and told him all about it, trying not to break down, but it was hard. I was scared. I was ashamed of what I did. I never was the type to mess around with things like that. I saw it destroy lives before and I feared that I would turn into an addict. Thankfully, I didn't and also that Mark was there for support when I needed him. That right there is what you call a real friend. I'm forever grateful that he was there for me and he didn't push me away when I needed a friend. I'm still struggling from time to time with my problems, but I'm trying to find my own way and get back to being happy again. I feel that I'm on my way and it's only a matter of time before I acheive that.

Release

My rapping has taken me a lot of great places. I got a chance to play with many great musicians and great bands over the last 11 years. In fact, this month marks 11 years in show business for me. Right now, I'm sitting here with a glass of wine, thinking about some of the bands I have been blessed to work with.


First off, I had a great time working with The Shields Brothers last year. It got me a little notoriety in the club circuit around the area and I really enjoyed the whole experience, but unfortunately, some people didn't like the fact that I was performing with them. I didn't really care what some people thought about it. To me, it was a fun time and if the chance to play another show with them or record something with them came up, I'd jump on it in a heartbeat. I wouldn't have to think about it.


I had a awesome time performing with Daycare Swindlers, which unfortunately led to some problems. One major problem was someone (whom we will not say the name) was going around saying:

1. I was a member of DCS

2. People only come to their shows to see me, not them.

3. The band should pay me for having me rap

This really got to me. For a while, I didn't even want to listen to their records or even pick up the mic again. I can't believe that someone would have the audacity to go this far and say that. When I informed one of the members of the band about it, he was pissed. It made me want to stop rapping...seriously. I do this thing for the sake of just doing it, money is the last thing I think about or I don't think about it at all. Second, the people do not come to DCS shows to just see me, they come to DCS. Do I need to explain that? Last, but not least, I am quite happy being a dedicated fan of DCS versus being a member. My dad thinks that I am a member of the band, I keep telling him I am not. I consider myself as an auxillary, I'm only added when necessary and nothing more. I would totally do another show with the band again if they asked me to, but if I keep hearing people telling me that the band should pay me for the rapping I do, then I will stop rapping for good. Like I said before, I do this for the love of the music and not for the money and glamour. I don't think about those things. I consider the two shows I did with DCS to be the most fun I've ever had on stage and I am always open to doing it again. Do I forsee it happening soon, I don't think so. Considering that the last show I did, I ended up choking out a rapper and throwing them off the stage, which was a very sad moment in my "career" so to speak. Not to mention, I was in the midst of a downward spiral, which I will write about some other time.