The Downward Spiral

I was having a good year so far before an unforeseen tragedy completely slammed me off of the cloud I was floating on. I had just did the best show ever with Daycare Swindlers and I was super excited to work on my first studio project. But, in the spring of 2010, I received some devastating news from some family members in Michigan. I was informed about the death of one of my uncles to leukemia. It turns out that he had been sick for quite some time and I just did not believe it. I had just seen this uncle at a family reunion some time before and I didn't sense that something was up. It all just kind of disrupted my thought process. I just lost it. I stopped writing, I started ignoring my own goals, I just kind of drifted away from the things that made me happy. To top it all off, a gig that I was really looking forward to doing with The Pietasters had crumbled, which totally brought me down. So, I started doing Open Mic Nights at Molly's with my homeboy Mark from DCS and his then girlfriend Harley, which was pretty good. Except, I would get super hammered before going on stage. One night at Open Mic, I ripped into an audience member who was always badgering me to rap at every bar in town. I literally told him, "If you ask me again, I'm gonna castrate you and then make you eat them". I was serious. The final break came in May of 2010. Following a show in Purcellville, I got very drunk and threw a rapper off of the stage by the throat. I regret doing this. I remember being very disappointed in myself. I immediately went into counseling for depression two weeks after the show. I stopped rapping to focus on getting myself back together. I couldn't keep on living the way that I was. I had to change it.

In counseling, I discovered that my downward spiral was caused by me keeping my grief inside. Whenever I experienced a loss, I kept my emotions and sadness inside. Even when I lost a friend to a heroin overdose on my 24th birthday, I kept it all inside. When my uncle passed, I remember trying to keep it inside. That was until I checked my Facebook and saw a comment that Mark left on my page. I went out to the bar to get away from the house and I remember when he walked up to me, I couldn't say anything. I just totally broke down crying like a baby. I was told that I have been trying to hold everything in for far too long and that it was starting to affect me. After that, I started to let a lot of that pain and grief go and pull myself out of the hole I fell into. However, a house party I attended in October of 2010, put me back into the hole. I was drinking and somewhat stoned when I did 3 lines of percocet. In the middle of doing the third line, I came to my senses and asked myself, "What did I do?" "What have I done?" I ran out of the party, scared and upset for what I had done. I grabbed my cell and called up Mark and told him what I have done at the party. I went over to his house and told him all about it, trying not to break down, but it was hard. I was scared. I was ashamed of what I did. I never was the type to mess around with things like that. I saw it destroy lives before and I feared that I would turn into an addict. Thankfully, I didn't and also that Mark was there for support when I needed him. That right there is what you call a real friend. I'm forever grateful that he was there for me and he didn't push me away when I needed a friend. I'm still struggling from time to time with my problems, but I'm trying to find my own way and get back to being happy again. I feel that I'm on my way and it's only a matter of time before I acheive that.